Our son is 4 years old now.
At 26 months old he held his baby sister in his arms and the dream he had for 9+ months finally came true. The down side of that precious moment that melted and broke my heart was his sister didn't have a heartbeat.
By that time she had been gone a couple hours, many tears had been shed in front of him, and lots of changes took place. He was there through two visitations, a funeral, burial, and more tears.
He's held my hand many of nights when I couldn't keep my composure long enough to get him to bed and told me it was okay, sissy is in heaven.
Fast forward two years now and it's different. He vaguely remembers that night, but he remembers her and the hospital greatly. He know's she is in heaven not hurting anymore, with Grandpa Bair and that we will see her again. But the wonder and questions are deeper, more frequent, and intense at times.
What he doesn't know is when that will be (like all of us.) What he doesn't know is why God can't just come get us so we can go see her and be with her. What he doesn't know is why she had to go.
Talk about breaking a momma right down. Talk about a deep breath, quick prayer for the right thing to say when the questions come up.
If you really know Wyatt he's very intuitive, intelligent, and deep for being 4 years old.
He has question's I can't even dream of having the right answers to. He's 4 and knows more about death than I would ever want him to even have an idea about at this age.
One thing we have always done and will continue to do with all our kids is be real with them. We don't make up the truth and sugar coat it..... To an extent, obviously he gets the age appropriate answers about these things but we don't hide what loosing her was, what death is, or what happened. So that makes him understand things more to an extent.
He has no problem telling anyone who Paisley is and that she died and is heaven. In fact he loves to because she is still apart of this family and we make that known.
But he's 4, how do you explain something you don't even understand yourself to a 4 year old. I can't help him make sense of something I am still trying to make sense of at almost 27 years old, two years later.
The many times he will come from nowhere crying about missing her can take a momma to her knee's quicker than quick.
The joy that comes from him talking about how he's gonna jump on the clouds with her when he gets there.
The pain in his eyes when he want's to know why did she have to go.
The love he spreads when he talks about her.
The happiness and connection I see when he asks to get this for her grave or if we can take flowers to her.
All these things a tiny 4 year old should have no idea about.
As I type just a few of these things tears are flowing again.
As a momma its my job to keep my children safe and many times I wrestle with the fact that I didn't do that for Paisley and now as he's older and having these emotions that same feeling keeps coming back. You can't just band-aid a grieving broken heart, wait a few days to take it off and it's healed.
As a momma there's been many times I question if i'm getting this right.
As a grieving momma that question is asked more than it should be.
One day, I hope we both can understand all of this.
One day, we will all be arm and arm again.
One day, the pain won't be here and we will be jumping on clouds as a whole family again.
