5 more minutes....

"Time rolls by the clock don't stop, I wish a few more, 

 but they just keep on flying, right on by, like it ain't nothing 
I wish I had me a, a pause button...."

2 years ago today this is our last photo together and the last time I held her beating body in my arms.

2 years ago I just wanted 5 more minutes when the nurses said it was time to put her back in her bed.

2 years ago tonight at 10:38 pm Dr's stopped trying CPR and called Paisley-Ann's time of death.

2 years ago tonight my baby girl, my first daughter, my fighter, and a piece of my heart was gone and basking in the glory of heaven.

2 years ago I wasn't sure how I was even going to get out of bed tomorrow (more like in a couple hours because we had been up all night.) I didn't know how I was going to face the day, the people, the calls, texts, and messages. I had just held my daughters lifeless body in my arms all night, I wasn't ready for my arms to hold the bags, and empty car seat that would be heading back to our home babyless.

2 years ago yesterday I shared this blog One Day...Hopefully soon on the joys of waiting to bring her home. Little did I know God already has plans of her going home forever just a few mere hours later. and she would never come home with us.

2 years years seems like FOREVER ago, yet I can close my eyes and watch that night play out like a movie in my mind.

2 years ago I just wanted 5 more minutes.

2 years ago I just wanted to be a nightmare that I would wake up from.

Paisley has the knowledge of 0 time in heaven and the joy that brings to know she wont even notice all this time that has passed since we were last together.

My heart is still just as broken as it was that day 2 years ago. and I fully expect it to never be okay again, and that's okay.

In Christ there are no goodbye's, in Christ there is no end. So i'll hold onto to him until I can see her again.

Today we will go out and place more flowers at her grave like we did last year.
Today everything will hurt a little more because this isn't a date that I wanted to have marked on my mind forever.

Today is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive, this is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held.

Today, 2 years, and a lifetime ago. Today, 2 years ago is forever the day my heart broke forever.

Another Birthday in heaven.....

Two years, and a lifetime ago.

Two years ago this morning at 5:19 in the early morning hours we welcomed our first daughter into this world and as they put that tiny little lady on my chest I knew from this day on, everything would be different.

 

She came loud and ready to fight. Minutes after she was born I placed in the arms of strangers and entrusted them with her safety.

Two years ago today I sat outside an elevator waiting to see her and saw the sunrise in a whole new way.

Two years ago, I saw life in a whole new way.


Two years ago it was just as bitter cold as it still is today.

Two years ago I never would have pictured celebrating her birthday this way.

Birthday's are kinda a big deal in our house, and even though she cant be here to celebrate with us that wont change a thing.

               We are still celebrating, enjoying cake and singing Happy Birthday.

             Because today, today is her day. Today is all about her and her life... In heaven.

        Today we are having a "party" like last year and making memories with her at heart.

I sit and wonder everyday what her days are like in Heaven and how beautiful it must be, and for another year I wonder what a birthday must look like, for I can only imagine the beauty she see's.

One day, those day's will be celebrated together again when we meet again. But until then, today is her day here.

Today, the tears may flow more than usual, and the conversations may be shorter, but today, I will hold in my heart the birthday of my beautiful 5lb 15oz sweet little girl and remember how safe she is and much love she feels.

Happy Birthday in Heaven baby girl. <3