Find your fight song...

Grief. Grief- sorrow, intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, acute sorrow, deep sadness. 

That's what the dictionary calls grief. 

But to a person who is dealing with or has dealt with it, it is far more deeper than that. 

It is the suffocating, it is completely consuming, it is life altering. 

Everyone enters it differently, everyone process through it differently, everyone tries to come out of it, differently. 

It's a constant fight to function, to keep your head above the engulfing waves of pain, emotion, and side effects that lead to depression, anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, fatigue, and much more. 

It's a new way of life. It's a new daily struggle to either fight through it or let it take over.

It's knowing life will never be the same, you just have to adjust to the new normal. 

Grief makes you question ever ounce of your faith, every ounce of your strength. Grief makes you look at life in a whole new way. 

It causes you to put on a face and a front that you're okay, when really you're wondering how you're even going to survive.

Grief puts you at your weakest fearing the worst, all while trying to be as strong as possible. 

You wake up everyday and the nightmare is replayed again, bringing only more distance to the last time you were physically close to that loved one. 

You ache at the what could've and what should've. At the wonders and empty pages. 

But here is the back side, you can't let that grief, and brokenness control you. It's going to change you, you'll never be the same again that is for sure. But you can't let it ruin you. You deserve more, and the person who you're grieving deserves their memory to be carried on stronger than that. You deserve to carry on stronger than that. 

Grief will never fully leave, and you will forever miss that loved one. But help yourself, help someone else and know there is no time frame, no special magic button to make it better. Time helps healing. Memories and grief go hand in hand. Your memories will bring back the happiest of times and will also remind you of the loss and bring back the hardest of times. Do those in honor and joy. Share those times with others and remember you're never alone. Someone else is processing their grief with you. Someone else has already made it over to the other side where the pain lessens, where you can start to see the sun again and start to feel human. Keep pushing, keep going, keep fighting! 

Not long after we got our daughters diagnosis I heard the Fight Song By Rachel Platten

I knew Paisley was going to have a fight song, I knew she was going to push through this and fight this her whole life. I just never imagined her life would be so short, but every little bit of those 12 days she fought with everything she had twice as hard. 

Because of her I will NOT let this pain consume me. I will NOT give up. I will NOT let her memory be shown that way. I will NOT give up on the life she never got to live. 

"She is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me." 

I refuse to let the pain control my life, and to lead my way. I refuse to let the anxiety and depression own me. 

1 Peter 5:7

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I am holding fast onto what I know to be true. I am moving forward and learning to be the new me. I am broken but still alive. I am the face of grief. But I am the face of a life still living! 

Find your fight song. Sing that fight song loud, proud, and from the depths of your soul. Because deep down we all have a lot of fight left! 

You are heard.... You are never alone!

Have you ever had something you wanted to say, but it just couldn't come out right? You couldn't find the right words to put it all together? It just didn't feel right?  Well when that happens I feel like it's God telling me, you're not ready yet, just wait, and be patient.... If you've felt that before you know where I have been for the last few months!

Well about a month and a half ago, the missing pieces all fell into place and I felt God saying, "Here you go, this is what you needed" and so here I am FINALLY getting the time to sit down and get this into a blog.... So here we go... Here is something I feel EVERYONE needs to know and hear in their everyday life. Not just in their time of grief! 

Everyone hurts, everyone has loss, pain, and triumphs in their life.
Everyone wants comfort, everyone wants to know they have someone there for them, someone that will listen, someone that can help them get through whatever trial they are facing....

As a mom I LOVE to talk about my children, always. 

As a bereaved mom I want to share Paisley with EVERYONE. I want to share her life, her beauty, her story.... I walk around and unless you know me you have no idea that I have two precious babies. So I talk about her, I share her. I love when others talk about her, when they ask about her. Its human nature to want to share about your kids, but when you loose one of those babies that doesn't change, it actually grows stronger (at least for me.) She isn't here so sharing about her is how I keep her alive to others, because she is always with me. Well a lot of times there is the ache for her to be spoken of, for someone to ask about her, ask how I am doing, or just to listen I ramble on about her. 

The missing piece to finish this blog came about a month and a half ago, when one of my best friends Audrey texted me and shared how she had a older gentleman help her in the grocery store as she was checking out. She was grocery shopping and had her two little girls, so as most moms know, help is always appreciated as those can be a battle at times! 

So as he is helping her get groceries on the belt he starts to talk about his kids, as most parents LOVE to do, old or young, sharing about your kids is just something parents will always do!
Well as he went on he told her how he had two girls, and then he paused.... He told her how he had a son, their first born but he had passed away at only a few minutes old, how they also had another daughter, but she passed away as a baby from a sickness. As they continued their talk and then went on their way she said she could see in his eyes, that he wanted so badly to talk about those babies he lost so many years ago. It has been probably 30+ years since he laid not only 1, but 2 of his babies to rest, and no parent should ever bury their child(ren) let alone more than 1.  30+ years and I bet at times it seems like yesterday and that they're still so much alive to him.

30+ years and someone listening to him talk about them I can imagine brought so much joy even for only a few minutes. Because talking about them is all bereaved parents have left to share with the world about their loved one. 

I always long for someone to listen to me, someone to hear me talk about not only my babies but my baby who isn't here anymore. Someone to hear me even in when I am on repeat because our time was cut so short and my story book with Paisley, is sadly not very thick. Someone who can help me process the ache that never goes away. Someone who can help me come back to reality when I am loosing control, again. Someone who can hold me when I feel like I can't move forward anymore. Someone for when I am stuck. 

 

When I am failing miserably at what I know to be true is when God steps in in some way or form and reminds me Hey, I am right here, always, I am always listening, also comforting. The one who not only hears me and knows the ache I am feeling to have her in my arms, but is comforting me, while he hold's her close. The one who hears my every word, my every tear that falls, my every smile as I remember her and the joy she brought us. He is always with us, just waiting right there for us to call and lean on him. I am never alone, my words are never unheard. Whether in a crowded room, or silence of the night he is hearing me. 

"You cry yourself to sleep
Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying
You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you" - Meredith Andrews You're Not Alone 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ

We are NEVER alone, God is always with you. So whether your hurting from a loss, just wanting to be heard, lonely and feeling like you have no one, or at the end of your rope for whatever reason just always remember God is close and waiting on you to call for him.

Do you hear me.... Are you here???

Hello.... Can you hear me, are you even here. Do you see me feeling like I am drowning over here. I am right here. Struggling, looking for answers, trying to find comfort and make any kind of sense.

 I am trying to feel something, anything other than a wide open gaping, aching hole... The hole that will forever be left in my heart from the day you took my daughter back home with you far before I ever thought she would go.

How can she be gone... Just over 8 weeks ago you called her back and it still doesn't seem possible, it still feel's like a nightmare we will wake up from.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems real. Everything just feels like a movie and I am just sitting on the side watching it.

But it's not a movie, it's not a dream. It is reality, it is real life. It is MY life. 

Last spring I find out one of my best friends was expecting again... A few weeks later, we get the amazing news I was as well... A few weeks after that, my other best friend was expecting as well... A few weeks later I find out I will be having another little one to call me Aunt come spring 2016. As summer came we all found out we're not only expecting, but all 4 of us expecting GIRLS!!! I was so excited. Not only would I be having the little girl I had always dreamed of having but I couldn't wait to see our girls together and watch them grow... 

That's gone. I never got to, nor will I ever get to see our girls together or become the friends we are. The joy I see on all their faces, the memories their making and sharing. The growing and healthy little girls they are getting to raise. The siblings they have that are enjoying their new found rolls as a "BIG" I ache and long for Wyatt to be able to have. It all makes me smile and breaks my heart all in the same second. I want so badly for our home to enjoy all those amazing things with our precious Paisley-Ann.

DO YOU SEE THIS, DO YOU SEE ME ACHING TO HAVE HER HERE AS THEY ALL HAVE THEIR LITTLE GIRLS. WHY WHY WHY. HELLO 

Easter is just day's away and as most have and are picking out the perfect Easter dress we are looking and deciding on headstones. Not only am I having to choose one for the little girl who should be laying in my arms not the ground but we are choosing one for my husband and I as we will all three be sharing one.... I am going on 25 years old and NEVER at this age would I have thought I would be choosing a headstone that I will one day lay under but certainly never imagined choosing one for my daughter.

WHY, WHY, WHY..... This just isn't fair.

I know he is here.
I feel him here, I feel his presence. 

He is here when I need wisdom as I watch my son see other kids with their sisters and I see the wheels in his little mind start turning as he is processing... 

He gives me the smile I need on my face when that little boy processes it again, looks at me and says "My sissy is with God.... She is okay." I am not sure who he is reminding, himself, or me. 

He gives me the strength to hold the tears back after those words come out of his mouth. He gives me the arms and legs that need strength to hold that little boy when he comes to me with a sad face crying, saying he misses his sissy and there is nothing I can do to take that pain away and give him the sissy he wants. The courage to put a smile on, show him all the photos again and remind him that he will forever be her superman and that she loves him SO much.

I know he is around here, he is always with us... But when everything is silent and I am not sure where he is. When the pain becomes unbearable and I feel like I am suffocating, that is when I just want to scream and yell at him.... WHERE ARE YOU, DO YOU EVEN SEE ME... WHY are we going through this. WHY her? WHY are you giving babies to people who are leaving them in trash cans, raising them in meth houses, or abandoning them next to the side of the road. WHY WHY WHY?

We were ready for her, we would have done anything to give her everything she would have ever needed. So not being able to make sense of any of this is what drives me crazy, what makes me rack my brain, and get angry.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel like he isn't listening? Like he doesn't hear you and doesn't make sense???

I know I am not alone, it is just sometimes hard to see through the dark.

But sometimes his silence is when we hear the most...

I can tell you he DOES hear you, he hears me... I know he is here and listening, and I know he is holding my baby girl. When I am loosing it and aching to feel her in my arms, to smell her baby smell, rub my hands through all that hair she had, feel her grab my finger. Aching just to see her face again. I know I can't do any of those things anymore but I know he is right beside me. I know he is holding her close and keeping her safe. If she couldn't be here in our arms I wouldn't want her anywhere else.

Last week in my daily devotional some words in it were "I will not necessarily remove your problems, but my wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every on of them." Even with how painful and angry this situation can make me I do know that there is good in it. God is good, all the time.
Not only is he good, but he knows my exact pain. He not only lost his only son but he gave him up to save you and I. I can not even imagine that, I certainly could never imagine giving up Paisley-Ann to save others, but he did, he gave his son because he loves us so much. 
Her funeral brought at least 3 people to raise their hands and accept the lord...3... 3 people will now get to experience the amazing eternal life that God's promise brings but they will get to meet our amazing little girl as well one day. They will one day be able to see God's glorious face and enjoy the beauty of Heaven forever. Where there is no pain, no suffering, no sadness. That glorious promise helps me to take a deep breath and remember there is reason to everything, and though I will probably never know it, I am going to trust in him and wait for that day doing my best to bring him joy with the time I have left on this earth. 

I am going to stumble and I am even going to fall. But when I do, when I can't breath, when the anger starts to bubble up, and the pain is overwhelming. I feel that presence, and I hear those words. "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6

He may be silent, but he is here. God doesn't always give us the answers we think we need, heck he may NEVER give us the answers we think we need. But that's where FAITH comes in. He is FOREVER FAITHFUL. Always here, always loving, always faithful. That he is.

As I remind myself sometimes hourly that he is here, I remember that "He is close to the brokenhearted and rescues those whose sprites are crushed." Psalms 34:8
 

 Easter Sunday is coming and if you do not have a church home, please do yourself the best thing you could ever do and attend a church. Go see all that God has to offer because it is truly amazing and really is the only thing to get you through life in general let alone any tough situation. Don't just go because it is Easter, go because you're ready for a new start and a new life. Because you are ready to see what he has to offer, because his way is the only way to live and you want to enjoy it. Without him we have nothing. 

You may be in a position where you feel like you're yelling "HELLLOOOOOO Do you hear me, do you see me." But he does, he is working in you. It may not make sense, it may not be clear but he is here. Just "be still and know that he is God." Psalms 46:10





P.S. If you were one of those 3, or even someone else who did accept him, know we are praying for you, constantly. If we never know what her mission on this earth was knowing she brought you to Christ gives us so much joy. Please do not ever hesitate to reach out as we would love to help you in anyway we can. <3

Our Plans... Gods steps.

We all have plans on what we want to do, where we want to go, and even how we're going to get there... But what we forget to take into count is that our plans fall after God's steps.

 He leads the way, and he knows the path we're going to take. 

"The steps of man are established by the lord, when he delights his way." Psalms 37:23

We can plan all we want, but in the end God's steps that are pre-planned 

long before we ever existed will be the way we are going to go.

 "Before you were born I knew you...." Jeremiah 1:5

This blog post started from Sunday's sermon at church. 

Sunday was a rough morning. I got very little sleep Saturday night, which is normal now a days, but Sunday was different. My mind and attitude were not with it. I was hurting more than most days, and just felt like staying in bed all day. Well, God blessed me with a little boy who reminded me it was time for church, so off we went. On the way there the beauty of the day reminded me how lucky I was to be in this day and made me think back on my last Sunday with Paisley-Ann as the weather was similar. As we got into church and I heard what the sermon would be about my heart shifted... I needed this sermon. I was here for a reason. God's steps led me there to help my heart and mind get back to where it needed to be, and to leave the negativity behind.

Though I know this deep in my heart and I have heard it 1000x, God's steps for Paisley-Ann was to come into this world, do everything he had planned for her, and to then call her back home just 12 days later. Even with how hard that is to understand I know it is what she was meant to do. 

"Before she was born he knew her, he formed her in my womb." 

Last spring when we found out we were having another blessing our plan was that we would be raising a healthy, happy baby. But that was not the steps God had in mind for her. 

God gave us these steps to take us down this road and NONE of it makes sense. I still (and probably always will) fight with the "Why her" that creeps up on my hardest days. The plans I had for her and our family have been altered by the steps God set down.

 I am learning how accept the change and trust in him as I take these strange, painful, and rough steps. But I know they are supported by someone so great and amazing that I can't help to be anxious at watching what they lead to. 

His steps have and will continue to take us exactly where he want's us to go so it 

will bring the most glory to him. 

A hard of this is that all the beautiful plans we had for her will not be put into action. 

The battle of knowing the course we had planned is forever changed.

In our plan we saw waiting patiently for Paisley-Ann to get stronger to be able to receive a transplant, we saw watching her grow and become a beautiful young girl. We pictured all the family adventures and activities, the milestones, and memories. But those weren't God's steps. 

In just 12 days I watched my daughter fight and go through more than most people face their entire life. I watched her touch more lives and people than many of us could ever dream of touching. 

Our plan was NOTHING like what has played out but these steps come with so much love, and joy that we can have comfort in this outcome of sadness.

The days I feel like I can't move on I feel the comfort of knowing Christ has my next step 

 and I am able to take it.

I know I HAVE to take it.

Paisley-Ann fought and gave so much from her tiny little body that I know can do the same as she deserves that. She gave her all every single day, she took those steps with so much strength and I have to do the same and will do the same.

I may stumble and sometimes fall, but I will get back up and take another one.

Though I do not know what the steps are looking like in the future or even in tomorrow. I am trusting in the one that lays them down and knowing that he will be there to guide me as I take each one. I am looking less at our plans now and following more in the steps. Tomorrow is never promised, today is given. I am striving to make that stand and live for the moment. To embrace the pain and share the light. The broken will be whole again one day, and one day my plans wont matter, only the steps I followed. <3

"The heart of a man plays his way, but the lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9 

Loosing it all....

Today as I was watching a TV show, it had a mom who had just lost her daughter on it. As the mom was explaining how she felt and the things she will never get to do it instantly brought tears to my eyes as my heart began to ache again as I often think of those same things.

Just last night Steve and I were talking about how she would look now, and how big she would have gotten. Remembering back on when we experienced those things with Wyatt as we both said "I wish we could see her do those."

Not long ago while on a late night Pinterest spree I stumbled across a saying....

This saying hit me hard as it again began to make my heart ache. It made it ache as it is 100% true. We did not only loose our baby girl, but we lost watching her grow. We lost the milestones and memories. I lost helpinh pick out her wedding dress and getting her ready. Steve lost walking her down the aisle. We lost the family we had visioned as the 4 of us. We lost it all.

Tonight as I spent sometime with my friend who had her little girl premature, 2 weeks before Paisley was born. The thoughts of how it would be having my girl here couldn't escape my mind. During our pregnancies we talked about how they would be best friends as they grew up, and how we could not wait to see them together. That is gone. I will never get to see the friends she could have had, and the things they could have done together.
While here Wyatt asked to hold her. He so eagerly climbed onto the couch and got his arms ready the way we had practiced for 9 months awaiting the arrival of his sister. Once in his arms he rocked her, and told her she was okay as she got fussy. He tickled her little fingers and laughed, laughed so full of life. I watched him do what I had dreamed he would do with Paisley as I grew her inside me for 9 months. We lost our daughter and he lost his sister. He will not be able to teach her swim in the tub as he told me he was going to do a few weeks before her arrival. He will not be able to play race cars or share snacks.

We truly lost it all. 

Sometimes I sit here trying to figure out how to go on and how to breath.
Sometimes I smile and feel strength as I think about her and all the cute things I used to watch her do. 

Sometimes my heart breaks as I see other moms share precious moments with their baby.
Sometimes I can't help but smile as I listen to Wyatt talk about his sissy and laugh as he scrolls through her pictures. 

Sometimes I don't know if I can ever stop crying. 

Sometimes I wonder how we have already made it 36 days since we heard the worst words of our life

Though we really lost it all. We gained so much as well.

Paisley-Ann taught us how to really live. She showed us what it really meant to have strength. She made us see so much we never knew existed. She taught Wyatt how to be a big brother and the best big brother he is. She showed us how to truly have faith and trust Christ in EVERYTHING.

She gave so little in such a short amount of time here. Though some days it seems like it may be easier to just give up and stay in bed all day I know that can't happen. Not only because I have a toddler who tells me when it is time to get up but because Paisley deserves so much more. She gave her everything every single day of her life so for every single day I have here without her I will give my everything. I may have lost it all but I gained so much as well.

So please remember on the days when you're enjoying those miles stones and special times with your little one, that though we are happy for you, we are remembering those things that we will not be getting to enjoy with our precious little Paisley. <3

We REJOICE because she's ours.

We PRAY because it's all that pulls us through. 

And we are THANKFUL for the awesome God that is keeping our girl safe till we get there. 

January 18,2016.... The day our lives changed forever.

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since you were alive and breathing on this earth. 

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since the last time I was whole. 

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since I held you in my arms while I watched you wiggle your little nose and lips.  

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since I held your warm hand in mine while we rocked all afternoon, napping and reading your princess books. 

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since your heart stopped, and our world shattered. 

TIME... It is all just TIME. 10:38 PM.... That TIME will forever be the TIME everything changed. Life as we knew it would NEVER be the same. Our hearts broke and hers became whole.

She went home, Paisley-Ann became FREE... FREE from the pain, the tubes, the wires, the needles. FREE... Paisley-Ann is FREE. 
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOOD.... The word that I had heard from the night nurse when I called at 9:15 PM to check in on her, the comforting word that I needed to hear to help me get Wyatt ready for bed and down. The word I needed to pull me through until I came back up to see her after he fell asleep. The same word we heard every time we called to check in on her when we were with Wyatt and not there with her. 

 Monday 1/18/16 was probably my hardest day since Paisley-Ann had been born. My depression was strong, I was walking under a cloud, I cried just about all day and I just could not shake any of it. So that night was no different. Every night we left to go spend some time with Wyatt before bed and put him down was always hard. My heart was being torn between two different places. Between my little love bug calling for mommy 10 minutes away in a hotel room, and the precious princess holding my finger while I sat bedside. Everyday, more than once, those two played tug-a-war with mommy and it didn't matter which way I went, my heart broke the other way. But that night... that moment something was different. Leaving her that night felt like pulling a tick off a dog. Steve had to grab my hand and take me out of there and I cried the entire way. Something inside me was stronger than ever before and I did not want to go. I think my body knew what was coming.

We were just sitting on the couch watching Wyatt fight his sleep, and talking about our plans for what was to come in the next few weeks. Not two minutes before I looked at Steve and said "I don't think I'm gonna wait for him to fall asleep before I go back up." Inside something just felt different that night. 

10:29 PM.... TIME stopped.... My phone vibrated on the couch next to me and as I looked down the words "Paisley-Ann" came across the caller I.D. and my heart skipped a beat, something was wrong. As I stood and answered the phone I instantly started to loose my breath. I knew something was wrong. As the nurse on the line asked if this was Becky and I said yes I could hear something in her voice, something that my gut knew was not right. I instantly started waving my hands at Steve to get his shoes as the words "Paisley-Ann does not have a heart beat and we are doing CPR" came through the phone. My heart skipped a beat again, my head began to spin, I couldn't breath. I chocked out "we are on our way" I hung up trying to stand and catch my breath as I tried to say "She doesn't have a heart beat they're doing CPR" to Steve and my mom, I grabbed the first set of keys I could find and ran out the door... 

PRAY.... "Lord please don't take my girl. Please let her be okay, please help her. Please don't take my girl" Just some of words I said through gut wrenching sobs and shakes as my husband so strong and brave took the wheel and started toward C.S. Mott's Children's Hospital.

10 Minutes... That is the TIME it takes to get 4.6 miles away from the hotel to the hospital thanks to the lovely traffic and college students.

The longest 10 minutes of my life.
The time traffic lights didn't matter as I yelled "I don't care it's red, it is clear JUST GO" 

 PRAY... "Please don't take my girl" 

GOOD... The word I kept hearing in my head that I had been told just a little over and hour before in reference to Paisley-Ann. 

PRAY.. "Lord what are you doing, please"

I can go back to that moment like the back of my hand. I looked up, saw the sky, and I heard the words "She's home." I felt a breath, I saw clear.
I told myself she was fine, but deep down. I knew. I just knew. 
(We left the hotel at 10:30, it takes 10 minutes to drive, and where this happened was about 2 minutes from the hospital.... making it 10:38, I am almost positive this was not a coincidence.)

As we pulled up I told Steve leave the car, before it could stop I jumped out and ran to the elevators.... 

PRAY... "Please lord, be with my girl, please help her, please let her be okay."

10 floors, 10 floors up is all it took on the elevator but that night it felt like I had to go up 100.

Security Desk- Phelps- Bed 40- They just called I need to get back there, I left my badge I need to go to bed 40. She told me to breath as she picked up the phone that never made me wanna break through the doors more than ever before. As she called back I saw our name on a post it...
PHELPS. My heart stopped. Why is my name on that post it. Why is no one answering, LET ME THROUGH. 

"Someone will be right out to see you" 

My heart stopped again, we waited at the double doors, waiting for someone to run around the corner the way we had ran up there. Why was no one running down to get us, why couldn't I just go back. "Maybe they're taking her to surgery" I played in my head even though my heart knew the truth. 

As 2 doctors and 2 nurse practitioners who we had grown to know over these last few weeks rounded the corner I could read their faces. Their blank and saddened faces. We went through the doors and heard "Lets go sit down"
As I stopped and said "Is my daughter okay?" The words "As you know her heart....." "WAIT, is she dead?" the words I chocked out as I felt my knee's giving out and my heart starting to break. "We tried everything...." "So she's dead, is she in her bed, I wanna go to her"

As we started down the long empty hallway we had walked so many times before, I couldn't breath, I held the wall, gut wrenching cries came again. 

PRAY... "Lord WHY, NOT my Paisley-Ann. WHY, Lord give me strength.

I pushed off that wall and knew I was not walking alone, I knew I wasn't carrying myself down that hall.

  I rounded the corner and saw her bed, people all around, silence everywhere, then they moved... There she was, there was my girl. My sweet, beautiful, precious baby girl laying there. Lifeless, no I.V's or wires anywhere. I picked her lifeless body up into my trembling arms and sobs... Gut wrenching sobs poured out... As I rocked her and held her close to me my heart completely broke, my world shattered, the life I had known was gone. The dreams and plans that I had for her were running away. 

HOW.... How could this be, she was JUST here. I had just held her in this bay a couple hours before and she was perfectly fine. She had one of her best days that she had ever had.  

GONE... She was gone. Only her body swayed in my arms. 

WHOLE... She was now WHOLE, and I was breaking.

As sobs came out nothing made sense. As I sat there Steve holding us both as I rocked her I couldn't think, I couldn't breath. HOW, WHY, NO this can't be happening. 

GOOD... The word kept coming back to me that I just been told not long before.

FAITH.. I am here, and I have you... What I knew I felt when NOTHING could comfort me.
"God didn't bring me this far to leave me." Philippians 1:6

As I carried my baby girl out of 10W-40 gut wrenching sobs came back. As my mind played this is not how I should be carrying her out of here, this is not how it was suppose to go. 

FAITH.. What carried me as I walked to a private room with my lifeless baby girl.

As the night grew on, as I met my son in the hallway to explain why he came back up to the hospital tonight, as I watched everyone including myself sob, and rock our precious girl. As I watched Wyatt finally hold the sissy he had asked everyday to hold, the sissy he practiced for 9 months on how to hold and rock, the sissy he would never get to play with, and teach her all things he wanted to. As I watched my family hold my baby girl that I had brought into this world just 12 short days before, my heart continued to break, my head continued to spin. This is not how they were suppose to be holding her. This is not how this was suppose to happen. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, it wasn't really happening, this was a dream and we would wake up.

PRAY... Lord why, she's our girl, why. You have to pull us through this because we can't do it alone.

"Be courageous. Do not fear, for it is the lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

STRENGTH.... What god gave me as 8 hours had flown by and it came time to sign Paisley-Ann's death papers. 

STRENGTH... What he gave me as I laid my baby girl down and said goodbye in that hospital for the last time. 

STRENGTH... What helped me walk back down that hallway, out the doors and into the car. 

FAITH, STRENGTH, LOVE, CHRIST... What continues, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day to pull me through. To help keep me going. To help me know that Paisley-Ann is okay, that his plan is what is best and what matters. That he will always be here to pull us through, give us strength and that he is keeping her safe for us until we can see them both face to face one day.

TIME... One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 
Time is nothing in heaven. Time doesn't pass, nor change. Paisley-Ann tells no time of our separation. She is enjoying the beauty, the angels singing, the joys of Christ and heaven. 

TIME... It is all just time.... We cannot get it back and we cannot change it. 

TIME... May lessen the pain one day, but until that may happen we will continue to hang onto Christ as he will help get us through this TIME .

As TIME grows farther and farther away from 1/18/16 at 10:38 PM the pain is the same. Even though One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes has passed it feels as though it was just yesterday when on the other hand it feels as though its been a lifetime. 

TIME stopped that night, and in someways has never started back up. I will forever be stuck in 10:38 on January 18,2016. Stuck in the TIME Paisley-Ann's heart stopped and mine continued to beat.

THANKFUL... I am forever thankful for God blessing us with her. Though she was only here for a short period of time, that time was ours, and she is ours. 

THANKFUL... I am thankful for the amazing nurses, and doctors who cared for our girl, and for the life they helped her have so we could love and enjoy her for every minute of it. 

THANKFUL.... I am forever thankful for God's unveiling love and the sacrifice he gave of his son so that one day we will be pain free and back together whole as a family.

 "God is love..." 1 John 4:8

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes until the last time you were here..... Paisley-Ann is gone. But she will forever be right here..... <3

Emotions.... and a shattered heart.

Tonight we joined families everywhere and lit candles in remembrance of the CHD warriors who lost their fight, but especially for our CHD warrior Paisley-Ann. 

Joy, anger, hurt, emptiness, sadness, love, hate, trusting and excitement.... Those are just some of the emotions this phase of my life has left me with.

I am JOYOUS that God knew I was the perfect mommy for Paisley-Ann even if being her mommy on earth was only for a short amount of time.
"But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." John 16:22

I am ANGRY that she was given such a horrible disease to fight, to fight with every breath, and everything she had for every second of her life.
"Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent." Psalms 4:4

I am HURT that my girl will never got to grow up with the amazing big brother she has.
".... Let the children come to me and do not hinder them, for they belong to the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 19:14

I am EMPTY because a piece of my heart, and a piece of this family is in heaven and that hole will never be filled on this earth again.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
 

I am SAD that we will never be able to watch her grow and watch her become an amazingly beautiful woman.
"... When you go through deep waters I will be with you" Isaiah 43:2

I LOVE that she is ours, she is Paisley-Ann Faith Phelps. She was every piece of Steve and I combined into a fighting little warrior and she is ours. God gave her to US. 
"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

I HATE that her life was cut so short.
"When I am afraid I will trust in you" Psalms 56:3

But with HATING that her life was cut so short I am 

TRUSTING in the reason that God took her so soon. I am TRUSTING in his reasoning for her going home so quickly. I know she completed the job she was given and she is now enjoying her reward in heaven.
"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see" 2 Corinthians 5:7

I am EXCITED for the day that we will be home and reunited with her as a family and with our Heavenly Father and creator. Holding her in our arms with no tubes, no wires, no pain, and no time counting down.
"Wait for the lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage, wait for the lord." Psalms 27:14

I have FAITH that we will get through this, because I know God would not have put us here if we could not handle it.
"But the lord stood by me and strengthened me..." 2 Timothy: 4:17


Through all the emotions that we have we also have a huge and strong loving God to help us work through them. Even on the days when every single one and then some of those emotions come rushing to the surface, I am not alone and he is always with me. And better than being with me I know he is with, protecting, and holding my baby girl. How amazing is that. He holds us both and keeps her safe while comforting me.
 "The pain the you've been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming" Romans 8:18 
This pain, this life is only temporary. One day this will all be gone, one day we won't know pain nor will we ever experience it again. That is promised to us in the kingdom of heaven. And oh what a joyous day that will be.

Though every single day I wake up and feel like my heart is shattering into pieces again I stay strong (as can be) and I hold on because I know "I will see you again, cause this is not where it ends."
One day my heart wont be broken anymore, I will have the missing piece of it back and our family will be together again. Because until that time we will never be the same. "Loosing a child is not an event, it is an indescribable journey of survival." Loosing anyone is never something you can just get over and move on from, and loosing a child is no different and harder. A piece of you is gone. That baby I grew inside me and planned to watch grow up is gone. I will never hold her here again, I will never watch all those dreams I had for her come into play. None of that, she is gone and part of me went with her. The person I was 4 weeks ago is gone and I don't know if she will ever come back. It is now working through and trying to find the new me. The mom who has to keep going when half her heart runs around on the playgrounds down here and the other half plays up in heaven.

"In Christ there are no goodbyes" so until we see our precious baby girl again we will continue to move forward, trusting Christ and enjoying all that we have and all that we have been blessed with while trying to find ourselves again.

One month and forever ago.

Today our baby girl would have been a month old. 

One month, that's all it's been since she blessed us with her presence. 

It's hard to believe it's already been that long, but on the other hand it feels like it has been so much longer. 

It's almost as if time stopped but we kept moving forward after the call we received that night with the words "Paisley-Ann has no heartbeat, we're doing CPR." 

That night just a couple short weeks ago Paisley's wings were ready for her but my heart was not. 

Paisley's work on earth was done and it was time for her to go home. 

Though it feels like time stopped we still have to keep going. We still have an amazing little boy to raise and everyday life to work through. 

If things went off our plans and not god's, today would have most likely been filled with one month photos, lots of cuddles, and family time. 

But his plans are far more important than ours and his will is great. 

So instead, we talked about sissy, and looked through her photos. We prayed and asked as we have many times these last couple weeks for God to give her kisses and hugs for us and we went about our day. 

The longest walk home is the one any parent takes when their child runs ahead. 

Paisley-Ann beat us home but we will see her again, and until that glorious day we will continue to trust in gods plan for our family and know that she safe and exactly where she needs to be. 

So until that day, happy 1 month baby girl. 💗

 

Empty drawers, and a busy toddler...

Tonight this is my view... 

I am packing away clothes and blankets that I dreamed of her wearing, that just a couple short months ago I washed and got all ready for her. 

As I put them away I can only imagine how cute and adorable she would have looked in them all because those are the only visions I have. 

I don't get to have the memories of the times she wore them or the milestones that were met in them like I did when I packed away Wyatt's. 

My heart breaks for the things we never get with Paisley. 

The other night I stumbled across this, 

And it is so perfectly said. We lost it all. We will never have those glorious moments with our sweet Paisley-Ann. 

Wyatt will never get to "teach sissy to swim in the tub" "swinging with sissy" and all the other things he said he wanted to do with her as we prepared him to become a big brother. 

Right now I'm stuck at the road of putting all these things away breaks me because it is accepting that she will never wear them. But leaving them out is painful reminder knowing I never got to put them on her. 

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

How do I move forward. I know the pain will never go away but I pray over time it will lessen and I can feel somewhat normal again. 

Romans 8:18  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

I will keep striving to that day. I will keep going, trying to reach a day of "normal" again, I will hold onto the glory of one day seeing gods face, our family being together again, and holding my baby girl in my arms once more.

 What's going to keep me moving to that day?! 

Gods word, faithfulness and this. 

This silly, hyper, loving, amazing little boy right here will. This little man who keeps me going and brings a smile to my face in the midst of tears. Who says exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. 

So tonight (and every night) hold your babies close, rock them to sleep when they ask, make time for that "one more book," and be there with them. So many people all over the world would give anything to be able to do those things with a baby and or child they lost. 

Remember....

"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss" "How are you holding up" "I can't imagine what you're going through" 

Those are just a few of the many conversation starters we hear lately. 

They come when I least expect, they sometimes follow with hard words to get out, sometime with smiles and laugh's. 

 But one thing they always come with is memories. Memories of the short but amazing couple weeks we had with our angel. Memories of her smiles, and smell. Memories of the first time she looked at us. So many memories that will never fade. Memories of life that left so quickly but never leaves us. 

Paisley-Ann taught us so much in just her short time. She brought so much joy, and added so much love to our family. 

Though my heart is still broken and will never be whole again I refuse to let the sadness bring me down. I refuse to live in the dark. I will celebrate because she lived, I will celebrate because though my heart is broken hers is whole again and even though it's not how I planned nor imagined it would be, my baby girl is whole again and pain free and that's all I could ever want for her. She is in glorious heaven, whole and pain free. 

The painful memories of her end on this earth will not be the memories we dwell on, will not be the memories that define us. She offered so much more than those painful memories. She gave us so many amazing memories and those will be what carry us through, those will be the memories we live on. 

We want to talk about her, we want you to talk about her. Hearing her name is so amazing especially out of the mouths of others. She will never leave us and it's a great feeling to know she is still with you as well. We love to tell others about her, to laugh as we tell a funny story of something she did or to try and explain her sassy little attitude. We want her to be remembered through those things. To be thought of in happy times and not sad. She wouldn't want us to be sad. 

So remember the great times, remember the funny things, remember the sassy attitude and most of all remember Paisley-Ann! 

That gut wrenching pain....

You know the feeling you have when you loose someone? The feeling you can never shake, the feeling of wanting nothing more than to have them back and not being able to fully come to realization that their really gone? The gut wrenching hurt when you feel like it's still a dream and you're going to wake up and they'll still be here? 

That horrible repeat of a feeling, yeah that one. 

It's like none you have ever felt before, then add that you have that feeling because you lost a child and it's a thousand times worse because a piece of you was literally ripped away, and that piece will never come back. 

Sometimes you can't breath, your heart literally feels like it's breaking. You never look at anything nor feel the same way ever again. You wanna enjoy something, laugh, and smile. For a temporary moment you can but that painful reminder is always right behind that makes it hurt again. 

You wanna wake up or rewind and be back to when you still had them and it didn't hurt. 

But you know that can't happen, so you want answers, you wanna know why. Well that's another thing that can't happen. So you're stuck here trying to put pieces together, trying to make sense of anything and feel normal again. 

You try to find a connection anyway possible. Photos, videos, memories, clothes, clinching onto blankets that are loosing her smell but it is all I have left to remind me of her amazing baby girl smell that I can't stop. The smell I would give anything to smell on her again while I touching her soft skin and seeing her beautiful face. 

As I sit here constantly trying to bring anything back of her I can do nothing but wonder what she's doing up in heaven. What she feels, and sees. I wonder if she misses us as much as we miss her.

I wonder if she remembers how much Wyatt loves his sissy. I wish I could tell her and show her the love he has for her. I wish we could show her the pictures he draws for her, and she could be in the swing he asks if she can sit in all the time. 

I know she can't see us but I pray God lets her know all these things. When we say our goodnight prayer and give our hugs and kisses I pray God gives the ones we send up to her. 

So as we sit and wait for the day we can all reunite in heaven again with Jesus we will continue to hold onto our faith in gods reasons, the photos, memories and blankets until we can hold onto Paisley-Ann again. 

Until that day, I will carry on, trusting Christ and doing the best I can as a wife and mother to sissy's superman- Wyatt. 

Love our Paisley-Ann Faith forever and always 💗