That gut wrenching pain....

You know the feeling you have when you loose someone? The feeling you can never shake, the feeling of wanting nothing more than to have them back and not being able to fully come to realization that their really gone? The gut wrenching hurt when you feel like it's still a dream and you're going to wake up and they'll still be here? 

That horrible repeat of a feeling, yeah that one. 

It's like none you have ever felt before, then add that you have that feeling because you lost a child and it's a thousand times worse because a piece of you was literally ripped away, and that piece will never come back. 

Sometimes you can't breath, your heart literally feels like it's breaking. You never look at anything nor feel the same way ever again. You wanna enjoy something, laugh, and smile. For a temporary moment you can but that painful reminder is always right behind that makes it hurt again. 

You wanna wake up or rewind and be back to when you still had them and it didn't hurt. 

But you know that can't happen, so you want answers, you wanna know why. Well that's another thing that can't happen. So you're stuck here trying to put pieces together, trying to make sense of anything and feel normal again. 

You try to find a connection anyway possible. Photos, videos, memories, clothes, clinching onto blankets that are loosing her smell but it is all I have left to remind me of her amazing baby girl smell that I can't stop. The smell I would give anything to smell on her again while I touching her soft skin and seeing her beautiful face. 

As I sit here constantly trying to bring anything back of her I can do nothing but wonder what she's doing up in heaven. What she feels, and sees. I wonder if she misses us as much as we miss her.

I wonder if she remembers how much Wyatt loves his sissy. I wish I could tell her and show her the love he has for her. I wish we could show her the pictures he draws for her, and she could be in the swing he asks if she can sit in all the time. 

I know she can't see us but I pray God lets her know all these things. When we say our goodnight prayer and give our hugs and kisses I pray God gives the ones we send up to her. 

So as we sit and wait for the day we can all reunite in heaven again with Jesus we will continue to hold onto our faith in gods reasons, the photos, memories and blankets until we can hold onto Paisley-Ann again. 

Until that day, I will carry on, trusting Christ and doing the best I can as a wife and mother to sissy's superman- Wyatt. 

Love our Paisley-Ann Faith forever and always 💗