These are the same words that came from doctors I had just talked to earlier that day that told me she was doing good and there was no change since her last echo and surgery. The same voices that told me her lab results all day were the best they had ever been.
So how in just a matter of hours do I go from hearing she's good, to hearing she's gone.... That's something I believe I will never understand nor will ever know.
The only thing I know is Paisley-Ann completed her job on this earth and it was time to go home.
"For I know that you can do everything and that no purpose of yours can be withheld from you" Job 42:1-2
Tonight as I went to visit my daughter it wasn't 10 floors up, behind closed doors, in a hospital bed. It wasn't in a funeral home laying a purple bassinet, no it wasn't any of those things. It was in the ground on a peaceful piece of land, in the country, smack dab in between where Steve and I both grew up. 
Her body has a beautiful view everyday, she is forever at peace and safe.
But how in one week do I go from spending the afternoon rocking her in a chair to driving out to somewhere that seems so strange to tell her how much she's still loved and always will be, to spend the afternoon ordering a birth and death certificate at the same time.
No mother should ever do those things let alone in the same day. So why am I doing them? Why does everything still feel so strange and in a way like a dream I haven't woken up from.
The closest thing I can come to to give my why an answer was Paisey-Ann competed everything she needed. She worked and fought so hard in 12 days she didn't need to work anymore. She was so perfect and special God was ready to have her back, she had done all she needed to do down here.
"But blessed is the one who trusts in the lord who's confidence is in him" Jeremiah 17:7
I read some things today and one hit home
"I carried you every second of your life, and I'll love you every second of mine."
Though gone physically Paisley-Ann will NEVER be gone. She is in everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I see, and that will never change. She will forever be woven into me and here until the glorious day I see my makers face and meet with my baby girl again.
I may not be able to look to my side, or across the bed at night to tell her how much I love her, but I know she knows, and I know God reminds her and will keep until I can pick back up again.
Though I still don't understand and I never will I'm trusting in gods plan and believing he has such a glorious reason for making us go through this and for taking my baby from me far before I ever thought she would be taken.
He has his reasons and they are good. I am relying on him to pull me through, to give me the strength to wake up and start each new day, and to make it through. Because each new day is one day closer to the day I'll see her.
"Rest in the lord and wait patiently for him" Psalms 37:7
One week down is one week closer to seeing you again. Loved forever baby girl 💗
Really touching, great writings, may be you will write a book to help others. Very truthful words. Paisley-Ann has and continues to touch many lives.
ReplyDeleteHugs Becky. One day we will hold our sweet angles again, when my Austin was born sleeping then losing Jake after he fought for 5 years. Two heart surgeries then leukemia . He always had a smile. He taught me how to be the mom. I have to be for Novaleigh and I am a better Christian, wife and person. I know that our time with our angles was way too short. If you need a hug or just a mommy that understands , im around the corner. Sending you lots of love. Always
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