Do you hear me.... Are you here???

Hello.... Can you hear me, are you even here. Do you see me feeling like I am drowning over here. I am right here. Struggling, looking for answers, trying to find comfort and make any kind of sense.

 I am trying to feel something, anything other than a wide open gaping, aching hole... The hole that will forever be left in my heart from the day you took my daughter back home with you far before I ever thought she would go.

How can she be gone... Just over 8 weeks ago you called her back and it still doesn't seem possible, it still feel's like a nightmare we will wake up from.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems real. Everything just feels like a movie and I am just sitting on the side watching it.

But it's not a movie, it's not a dream. It is reality, it is real life. It is MY life. 

Last spring I find out one of my best friends was expecting again... A few weeks later, we get the amazing news I was as well... A few weeks after that, my other best friend was expecting as well... A few weeks later I find out I will be having another little one to call me Aunt come spring 2016. As summer came we all found out we're not only expecting, but all 4 of us expecting GIRLS!!! I was so excited. Not only would I be having the little girl I had always dreamed of having but I couldn't wait to see our girls together and watch them grow... 

That's gone. I never got to, nor will I ever get to see our girls together or become the friends we are. The joy I see on all their faces, the memories their making and sharing. The growing and healthy little girls they are getting to raise. The siblings they have that are enjoying their new found rolls as a "BIG" I ache and long for Wyatt to be able to have. It all makes me smile and breaks my heart all in the same second. I want so badly for our home to enjoy all those amazing things with our precious Paisley-Ann.

DO YOU SEE THIS, DO YOU SEE ME ACHING TO HAVE HER HERE AS THEY ALL HAVE THEIR LITTLE GIRLS. WHY WHY WHY. HELLO 

Easter is just day's away and as most have and are picking out the perfect Easter dress we are looking and deciding on headstones. Not only am I having to choose one for the little girl who should be laying in my arms not the ground but we are choosing one for my husband and I as we will all three be sharing one.... I am going on 25 years old and NEVER at this age would I have thought I would be choosing a headstone that I will one day lay under but certainly never imagined choosing one for my daughter.

WHY, WHY, WHY..... This just isn't fair.

I know he is here.
I feel him here, I feel his presence. 

He is here when I need wisdom as I watch my son see other kids with their sisters and I see the wheels in his little mind start turning as he is processing... 

He gives me the smile I need on my face when that little boy processes it again, looks at me and says "My sissy is with God.... She is okay." I am not sure who he is reminding, himself, or me. 

He gives me the strength to hold the tears back after those words come out of his mouth. He gives me the arms and legs that need strength to hold that little boy when he comes to me with a sad face crying, saying he misses his sissy and there is nothing I can do to take that pain away and give him the sissy he wants. The courage to put a smile on, show him all the photos again and remind him that he will forever be her superman and that she loves him SO much.

I know he is around here, he is always with us... But when everything is silent and I am not sure where he is. When the pain becomes unbearable and I feel like I am suffocating, that is when I just want to scream and yell at him.... WHERE ARE YOU, DO YOU EVEN SEE ME... WHY are we going through this. WHY her? WHY are you giving babies to people who are leaving them in trash cans, raising them in meth houses, or abandoning them next to the side of the road. WHY WHY WHY?

We were ready for her, we would have done anything to give her everything she would have ever needed. So not being able to make sense of any of this is what drives me crazy, what makes me rack my brain, and get angry.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel like he isn't listening? Like he doesn't hear you and doesn't make sense???

I know I am not alone, it is just sometimes hard to see through the dark.

But sometimes his silence is when we hear the most...

I can tell you he DOES hear you, he hears me... I know he is here and listening, and I know he is holding my baby girl. When I am loosing it and aching to feel her in my arms, to smell her baby smell, rub my hands through all that hair she had, feel her grab my finger. Aching just to see her face again. I know I can't do any of those things anymore but I know he is right beside me. I know he is holding her close and keeping her safe. If she couldn't be here in our arms I wouldn't want her anywhere else.

Last week in my daily devotional some words in it were "I will not necessarily remove your problems, but my wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every on of them." Even with how painful and angry this situation can make me I do know that there is good in it. God is good, all the time.
Not only is he good, but he knows my exact pain. He not only lost his only son but he gave him up to save you and I. I can not even imagine that, I certainly could never imagine giving up Paisley-Ann to save others, but he did, he gave his son because he loves us so much. 
Her funeral brought at least 3 people to raise their hands and accept the lord...3... 3 people will now get to experience the amazing eternal life that God's promise brings but they will get to meet our amazing little girl as well one day. They will one day be able to see God's glorious face and enjoy the beauty of Heaven forever. Where there is no pain, no suffering, no sadness. That glorious promise helps me to take a deep breath and remember there is reason to everything, and though I will probably never know it, I am going to trust in him and wait for that day doing my best to bring him joy with the time I have left on this earth. 

I am going to stumble and I am even going to fall. But when I do, when I can't breath, when the anger starts to bubble up, and the pain is overwhelming. I feel that presence, and I hear those words. "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6

He may be silent, but he is here. God doesn't always give us the answers we think we need, heck he may NEVER give us the answers we think we need. But that's where FAITH comes in. He is FOREVER FAITHFUL. Always here, always loving, always faithful. That he is.

As I remind myself sometimes hourly that he is here, I remember that "He is close to the brokenhearted and rescues those whose sprites are crushed." Psalms 34:8
 

 Easter Sunday is coming and if you do not have a church home, please do yourself the best thing you could ever do and attend a church. Go see all that God has to offer because it is truly amazing and really is the only thing to get you through life in general let alone any tough situation. Don't just go because it is Easter, go because you're ready for a new start and a new life. Because you are ready to see what he has to offer, because his way is the only way to live and you want to enjoy it. Without him we have nothing. 

You may be in a position where you feel like you're yelling "HELLLOOOOOO Do you hear me, do you see me." But he does, he is working in you. It may not make sense, it may not be clear but he is here. Just "be still and know that he is God." Psalms 46:10





P.S. If you were one of those 3, or even someone else who did accept him, know we are praying for you, constantly. If we never know what her mission on this earth was knowing she brought you to Christ gives us so much joy. Please do not ever hesitate to reach out as we would love to help you in anyway we can. <3

Our Plans... Gods steps.

We all have plans on what we want to do, where we want to go, and even how we're going to get there... But what we forget to take into count is that our plans fall after God's steps.

 He leads the way, and he knows the path we're going to take. 

"The steps of man are established by the lord, when he delights his way." Psalms 37:23

We can plan all we want, but in the end God's steps that are pre-planned 

long before we ever existed will be the way we are going to go.

 "Before you were born I knew you...." Jeremiah 1:5

This blog post started from Sunday's sermon at church. 

Sunday was a rough morning. I got very little sleep Saturday night, which is normal now a days, but Sunday was different. My mind and attitude were not with it. I was hurting more than most days, and just felt like staying in bed all day. Well, God blessed me with a little boy who reminded me it was time for church, so off we went. On the way there the beauty of the day reminded me how lucky I was to be in this day and made me think back on my last Sunday with Paisley-Ann as the weather was similar. As we got into church and I heard what the sermon would be about my heart shifted... I needed this sermon. I was here for a reason. God's steps led me there to help my heart and mind get back to where it needed to be, and to leave the negativity behind.

Though I know this deep in my heart and I have heard it 1000x, God's steps for Paisley-Ann was to come into this world, do everything he had planned for her, and to then call her back home just 12 days later. Even with how hard that is to understand I know it is what she was meant to do. 

"Before she was born he knew her, he formed her in my womb." 

Last spring when we found out we were having another blessing our plan was that we would be raising a healthy, happy baby. But that was not the steps God had in mind for her. 

God gave us these steps to take us down this road and NONE of it makes sense. I still (and probably always will) fight with the "Why her" that creeps up on my hardest days. The plans I had for her and our family have been altered by the steps God set down.

 I am learning how accept the change and trust in him as I take these strange, painful, and rough steps. But I know they are supported by someone so great and amazing that I can't help to be anxious at watching what they lead to. 

His steps have and will continue to take us exactly where he want's us to go so it 

will bring the most glory to him. 

A hard of this is that all the beautiful plans we had for her will not be put into action. 

The battle of knowing the course we had planned is forever changed.

In our plan we saw waiting patiently for Paisley-Ann to get stronger to be able to receive a transplant, we saw watching her grow and become a beautiful young girl. We pictured all the family adventures and activities, the milestones, and memories. But those weren't God's steps. 

In just 12 days I watched my daughter fight and go through more than most people face their entire life. I watched her touch more lives and people than many of us could ever dream of touching. 

Our plan was NOTHING like what has played out but these steps come with so much love, and joy that we can have comfort in this outcome of sadness.

The days I feel like I can't move on I feel the comfort of knowing Christ has my next step 

 and I am able to take it.

I know I HAVE to take it.

Paisley-Ann fought and gave so much from her tiny little body that I know can do the same as she deserves that. She gave her all every single day, she took those steps with so much strength and I have to do the same and will do the same.

I may stumble and sometimes fall, but I will get back up and take another one.

Though I do not know what the steps are looking like in the future or even in tomorrow. I am trusting in the one that lays them down and knowing that he will be there to guide me as I take each one. I am looking less at our plans now and following more in the steps. Tomorrow is never promised, today is given. I am striving to make that stand and live for the moment. To embrace the pain and share the light. The broken will be whole again one day, and one day my plans wont matter, only the steps I followed. <3

"The heart of a man plays his way, but the lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9