Loosing it all....

Today as I was watching a TV show, it had a mom who had just lost her daughter on it. As the mom was explaining how she felt and the things she will never get to do it instantly brought tears to my eyes as my heart began to ache again as I often think of those same things.

Just last night Steve and I were talking about how she would look now, and how big she would have gotten. Remembering back on when we experienced those things with Wyatt as we both said "I wish we could see her do those."

Not long ago while on a late night Pinterest spree I stumbled across a saying....

This saying hit me hard as it again began to make my heart ache. It made it ache as it is 100% true. We did not only loose our baby girl, but we lost watching her grow. We lost the milestones and memories. I lost helpinh pick out her wedding dress and getting her ready. Steve lost walking her down the aisle. We lost the family we had visioned as the 4 of us. We lost it all.

Tonight as I spent sometime with my friend who had her little girl premature, 2 weeks before Paisley was born. The thoughts of how it would be having my girl here couldn't escape my mind. During our pregnancies we talked about how they would be best friends as they grew up, and how we could not wait to see them together. That is gone. I will never get to see the friends she could have had, and the things they could have done together.
While here Wyatt asked to hold her. He so eagerly climbed onto the couch and got his arms ready the way we had practiced for 9 months awaiting the arrival of his sister. Once in his arms he rocked her, and told her she was okay as she got fussy. He tickled her little fingers and laughed, laughed so full of life. I watched him do what I had dreamed he would do with Paisley as I grew her inside me for 9 months. We lost our daughter and he lost his sister. He will not be able to teach her swim in the tub as he told me he was going to do a few weeks before her arrival. He will not be able to play race cars or share snacks.

We truly lost it all. 

Sometimes I sit here trying to figure out how to go on and how to breath.
Sometimes I smile and feel strength as I think about her and all the cute things I used to watch her do. 

Sometimes my heart breaks as I see other moms share precious moments with their baby.
Sometimes I can't help but smile as I listen to Wyatt talk about his sissy and laugh as he scrolls through her pictures. 

Sometimes I don't know if I can ever stop crying. 

Sometimes I wonder how we have already made it 36 days since we heard the worst words of our life

Though we really lost it all. We gained so much as well.

Paisley-Ann taught us how to really live. She showed us what it really meant to have strength. She made us see so much we never knew existed. She taught Wyatt how to be a big brother and the best big brother he is. She showed us how to truly have faith and trust Christ in EVERYTHING.

She gave so little in such a short amount of time here. Though some days it seems like it may be easier to just give up and stay in bed all day I know that can't happen. Not only because I have a toddler who tells me when it is time to get up but because Paisley deserves so much more. She gave her everything every single day of her life so for every single day I have here without her I will give my everything. I may have lost it all but I gained so much as well.

So please remember on the days when you're enjoying those miles stones and special times with your little one, that though we are happy for you, we are remembering those things that we will not be getting to enjoy with our precious little Paisley. <3

We REJOICE because she's ours.

We PRAY because it's all that pulls us through. 

And we are THANKFUL for the awesome God that is keeping our girl safe till we get there. 

January 18,2016.... The day our lives changed forever.

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since you were alive and breathing on this earth. 

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since the last time I was whole. 

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since I held you in my arms while I watched you wiggle your little nose and lips.  

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since I held your warm hand in mine while we rocked all afternoon, napping and reading your princess books. 

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 

The amount of time it has been since your heart stopped, and our world shattered. 

TIME... It is all just TIME. 10:38 PM.... That TIME will forever be the TIME everything changed. Life as we knew it would NEVER be the same. Our hearts broke and hers became whole.

She went home, Paisley-Ann became FREE... FREE from the pain, the tubes, the wires, the needles. FREE... Paisley-Ann is FREE. 
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOOD.... The word that I had heard from the night nurse when I called at 9:15 PM to check in on her, the comforting word that I needed to hear to help me get Wyatt ready for bed and down. The word I needed to pull me through until I came back up to see her after he fell asleep. The same word we heard every time we called to check in on her when we were with Wyatt and not there with her. 

 Monday 1/18/16 was probably my hardest day since Paisley-Ann had been born. My depression was strong, I was walking under a cloud, I cried just about all day and I just could not shake any of it. So that night was no different. Every night we left to go spend some time with Wyatt before bed and put him down was always hard. My heart was being torn between two different places. Between my little love bug calling for mommy 10 minutes away in a hotel room, and the precious princess holding my finger while I sat bedside. Everyday, more than once, those two played tug-a-war with mommy and it didn't matter which way I went, my heart broke the other way. But that night... that moment something was different. Leaving her that night felt like pulling a tick off a dog. Steve had to grab my hand and take me out of there and I cried the entire way. Something inside me was stronger than ever before and I did not want to go. I think my body knew what was coming.

We were just sitting on the couch watching Wyatt fight his sleep, and talking about our plans for what was to come in the next few weeks. Not two minutes before I looked at Steve and said "I don't think I'm gonna wait for him to fall asleep before I go back up." Inside something just felt different that night. 

10:29 PM.... TIME stopped.... My phone vibrated on the couch next to me and as I looked down the words "Paisley-Ann" came across the caller I.D. and my heart skipped a beat, something was wrong. As I stood and answered the phone I instantly started to loose my breath. I knew something was wrong. As the nurse on the line asked if this was Becky and I said yes I could hear something in her voice, something that my gut knew was not right. I instantly started waving my hands at Steve to get his shoes as the words "Paisley-Ann does not have a heart beat and we are doing CPR" came through the phone. My heart skipped a beat again, my head began to spin, I couldn't breath. I chocked out "we are on our way" I hung up trying to stand and catch my breath as I tried to say "She doesn't have a heart beat they're doing CPR" to Steve and my mom, I grabbed the first set of keys I could find and ran out the door... 

PRAY.... "Lord please don't take my girl. Please let her be okay, please help her. Please don't take my girl" Just some of words I said through gut wrenching sobs and shakes as my husband so strong and brave took the wheel and started toward C.S. Mott's Children's Hospital.

10 Minutes... That is the TIME it takes to get 4.6 miles away from the hotel to the hospital thanks to the lovely traffic and college students.

The longest 10 minutes of my life.
The time traffic lights didn't matter as I yelled "I don't care it's red, it is clear JUST GO" 

 PRAY... "Please don't take my girl" 

GOOD... The word I kept hearing in my head that I had been told just a little over and hour before in reference to Paisley-Ann. 

PRAY.. "Lord what are you doing, please"

I can go back to that moment like the back of my hand. I looked up, saw the sky, and I heard the words "She's home." I felt a breath, I saw clear.
I told myself she was fine, but deep down. I knew. I just knew. 
(We left the hotel at 10:30, it takes 10 minutes to drive, and where this happened was about 2 minutes from the hospital.... making it 10:38, I am almost positive this was not a coincidence.)

As we pulled up I told Steve leave the car, before it could stop I jumped out and ran to the elevators.... 

PRAY... "Please lord, be with my girl, please help her, please let her be okay."

10 floors, 10 floors up is all it took on the elevator but that night it felt like I had to go up 100.

Security Desk- Phelps- Bed 40- They just called I need to get back there, I left my badge I need to go to bed 40. She told me to breath as she picked up the phone that never made me wanna break through the doors more than ever before. As she called back I saw our name on a post it...
PHELPS. My heart stopped. Why is my name on that post it. Why is no one answering, LET ME THROUGH. 

"Someone will be right out to see you" 

My heart stopped again, we waited at the double doors, waiting for someone to run around the corner the way we had ran up there. Why was no one running down to get us, why couldn't I just go back. "Maybe they're taking her to surgery" I played in my head even though my heart knew the truth. 

As 2 doctors and 2 nurse practitioners who we had grown to know over these last few weeks rounded the corner I could read their faces. Their blank and saddened faces. We went through the doors and heard "Lets go sit down"
As I stopped and said "Is my daughter okay?" The words "As you know her heart....." "WAIT, is she dead?" the words I chocked out as I felt my knee's giving out and my heart starting to break. "We tried everything...." "So she's dead, is she in her bed, I wanna go to her"

As we started down the long empty hallway we had walked so many times before, I couldn't breath, I held the wall, gut wrenching cries came again. 

PRAY... "Lord WHY, NOT my Paisley-Ann. WHY, Lord give me strength.

I pushed off that wall and knew I was not walking alone, I knew I wasn't carrying myself down that hall.

  I rounded the corner and saw her bed, people all around, silence everywhere, then they moved... There she was, there was my girl. My sweet, beautiful, precious baby girl laying there. Lifeless, no I.V's or wires anywhere. I picked her lifeless body up into my trembling arms and sobs... Gut wrenching sobs poured out... As I rocked her and held her close to me my heart completely broke, my world shattered, the life I had known was gone. The dreams and plans that I had for her were running away. 

HOW.... How could this be, she was JUST here. I had just held her in this bay a couple hours before and she was perfectly fine. She had one of her best days that she had ever had.  

GONE... She was gone. Only her body swayed in my arms. 

WHOLE... She was now WHOLE, and I was breaking.

As sobs came out nothing made sense. As I sat there Steve holding us both as I rocked her I couldn't think, I couldn't breath. HOW, WHY, NO this can't be happening. 

GOOD... The word kept coming back to me that I just been told not long before.

FAITH.. I am here, and I have you... What I knew I felt when NOTHING could comfort me.
"God didn't bring me this far to leave me." Philippians 1:6

As I carried my baby girl out of 10W-40 gut wrenching sobs came back. As my mind played this is not how I should be carrying her out of here, this is not how it was suppose to go. 

FAITH.. What carried me as I walked to a private room with my lifeless baby girl.

As the night grew on, as I met my son in the hallway to explain why he came back up to the hospital tonight, as I watched everyone including myself sob, and rock our precious girl. As I watched Wyatt finally hold the sissy he had asked everyday to hold, the sissy he practiced for 9 months on how to hold and rock, the sissy he would never get to play with, and teach her all things he wanted to. As I watched my family hold my baby girl that I had brought into this world just 12 short days before, my heart continued to break, my head continued to spin. This is not how they were suppose to be holding her. This is not how this was suppose to happen. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, it wasn't really happening, this was a dream and we would wake up.

PRAY... Lord why, she's our girl, why. You have to pull us through this because we can't do it alone.

"Be courageous. Do not fear, for it is the lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

STRENGTH.... What god gave me as 8 hours had flown by and it came time to sign Paisley-Ann's death papers. 

STRENGTH... What he gave me as I laid my baby girl down and said goodbye in that hospital for the last time. 

STRENGTH... What helped me walk back down that hallway, out the doors and into the car. 

FAITH, STRENGTH, LOVE, CHRIST... What continues, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day to pull me through. To help keep me going. To help me know that Paisley-Ann is okay, that his plan is what is best and what matters. That he will always be here to pull us through, give us strength and that he is keeping her safe for us until we can see them both face to face one day.

TIME... One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes. 
Time is nothing in heaven. Time doesn't pass, nor change. Paisley-Ann tells no time of our separation. She is enjoying the beauty, the angels singing, the joys of Christ and heaven. 

TIME... It is all just time.... We cannot get it back and we cannot change it. 

TIME... May lessen the pain one day, but until that may happen we will continue to hang onto Christ as he will help get us through this TIME .

As TIME grows farther and farther away from 1/18/16 at 10:38 PM the pain is the same. Even though One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes has passed it feels as though it was just yesterday when on the other hand it feels as though its been a lifetime. 

TIME stopped that night, and in someways has never started back up. I will forever be stuck in 10:38 on January 18,2016. Stuck in the TIME Paisley-Ann's heart stopped and mine continued to beat.

THANKFUL... I am forever thankful for God blessing us with her. Though she was only here for a short period of time, that time was ours, and she is ours. 

THANKFUL... I am thankful for the amazing nurses, and doctors who cared for our girl, and for the life they helped her have so we could love and enjoy her for every minute of it. 

THANKFUL.... I am forever thankful for God's unveiling love and the sacrifice he gave of his son so that one day we will be pain free and back together whole as a family.

 "God is love..." 1 John 4:8

One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes until the last time you were here..... Paisley-Ann is gone. But she will forever be right here..... <3

Emotions.... and a shattered heart.

Tonight we joined families everywhere and lit candles in remembrance of the CHD warriors who lost their fight, but especially for our CHD warrior Paisley-Ann. 

Joy, anger, hurt, emptiness, sadness, love, hate, trusting and excitement.... Those are just some of the emotions this phase of my life has left me with.

I am JOYOUS that God knew I was the perfect mommy for Paisley-Ann even if being her mommy on earth was only for a short amount of time.
"But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you." John 16:22

I am ANGRY that she was given such a horrible disease to fight, to fight with every breath, and everything she had for every second of her life.
"Don't sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent." Psalms 4:4

I am HURT that my girl will never got to grow up with the amazing big brother she has.
".... Let the children come to me and do not hinder them, for they belong to the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 19:14

I am EMPTY because a piece of my heart, and a piece of this family is in heaven and that hole will never be filled on this earth again.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
 

I am SAD that we will never be able to watch her grow and watch her become an amazingly beautiful woman.
"... When you go through deep waters I will be with you" Isaiah 43:2

I LOVE that she is ours, she is Paisley-Ann Faith Phelps. She was every piece of Steve and I combined into a fighting little warrior and she is ours. God gave her to US. 
"We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19

I HATE that her life was cut so short.
"When I am afraid I will trust in you" Psalms 56:3

But with HATING that her life was cut so short I am 

TRUSTING in the reason that God took her so soon. I am TRUSTING in his reasoning for her going home so quickly. I know she completed the job she was given and she is now enjoying her reward in heaven.
"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see" 2 Corinthians 5:7

I am EXCITED for the day that we will be home and reunited with her as a family and with our Heavenly Father and creator. Holding her in our arms with no tubes, no wires, no pain, and no time counting down.
"Wait for the lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage, wait for the lord." Psalms 27:14

I have FAITH that we will get through this, because I know God would not have put us here if we could not handle it.
"But the lord stood by me and strengthened me..." 2 Timothy: 4:17


Through all the emotions that we have we also have a huge and strong loving God to help us work through them. Even on the days when every single one and then some of those emotions come rushing to the surface, I am not alone and he is always with me. And better than being with me I know he is with, protecting, and holding my baby girl. How amazing is that. He holds us both and keeps her safe while comforting me.
 "The pain the you've been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming" Romans 8:18 
This pain, this life is only temporary. One day this will all be gone, one day we won't know pain nor will we ever experience it again. That is promised to us in the kingdom of heaven. And oh what a joyous day that will be.

Though every single day I wake up and feel like my heart is shattering into pieces again I stay strong (as can be) and I hold on because I know "I will see you again, cause this is not where it ends."
One day my heart wont be broken anymore, I will have the missing piece of it back and our family will be together again. Because until that time we will never be the same. "Loosing a child is not an event, it is an indescribable journey of survival." Loosing anyone is never something you can just get over and move on from, and loosing a child is no different and harder. A piece of you is gone. That baby I grew inside me and planned to watch grow up is gone. I will never hold her here again, I will never watch all those dreams I had for her come into play. None of that, she is gone and part of me went with her. The person I was 4 weeks ago is gone and I don't know if she will ever come back. It is now working through and trying to find the new me. The mom who has to keep going when half her heart runs around on the playgrounds down here and the other half plays up in heaven.

"In Christ there are no goodbyes" so until we see our precious baby girl again we will continue to move forward, trusting Christ and enjoying all that we have and all that we have been blessed with while trying to find ourselves again.

One month and forever ago.

Today our baby girl would have been a month old. 

One month, that's all it's been since she blessed us with her presence. 

It's hard to believe it's already been that long, but on the other hand it feels like it has been so much longer. 

It's almost as if time stopped but we kept moving forward after the call we received that night with the words "Paisley-Ann has no heartbeat, we're doing CPR." 

That night just a couple short weeks ago Paisley's wings were ready for her but my heart was not. 

Paisley's work on earth was done and it was time for her to go home. 

Though it feels like time stopped we still have to keep going. We still have an amazing little boy to raise and everyday life to work through. 

If things went off our plans and not god's, today would have most likely been filled with one month photos, lots of cuddles, and family time. 

But his plans are far more important than ours and his will is great. 

So instead, we talked about sissy, and looked through her photos. We prayed and asked as we have many times these last couple weeks for God to give her kisses and hugs for us and we went about our day. 

The longest walk home is the one any parent takes when their child runs ahead. 

Paisley-Ann beat us home but we will see her again, and until that glorious day we will continue to trust in gods plan for our family and know that she safe and exactly where she needs to be. 

So until that day, happy 1 month baby girl. 💗

 

Empty drawers, and a busy toddler...

Tonight this is my view... 

I am packing away clothes and blankets that I dreamed of her wearing, that just a couple short months ago I washed and got all ready for her. 

As I put them away I can only imagine how cute and adorable she would have looked in them all because those are the only visions I have. 

I don't get to have the memories of the times she wore them or the milestones that were met in them like I did when I packed away Wyatt's. 

My heart breaks for the things we never get with Paisley. 

The other night I stumbled across this, 

And it is so perfectly said. We lost it all. We will never have those glorious moments with our sweet Paisley-Ann. 

Wyatt will never get to "teach sissy to swim in the tub" "swinging with sissy" and all the other things he said he wanted to do with her as we prepared him to become a big brother. 

Right now I'm stuck at the road of putting all these things away breaks me because it is accepting that she will never wear them. But leaving them out is painful reminder knowing I never got to put them on her. 

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

How do I move forward. I know the pain will never go away but I pray over time it will lessen and I can feel somewhat normal again. 

Romans 8:18  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

I will keep striving to that day. I will keep going, trying to reach a day of "normal" again, I will hold onto the glory of one day seeing gods face, our family being together again, and holding my baby girl in my arms once more.

 What's going to keep me moving to that day?! 

Gods word, faithfulness and this. 

This silly, hyper, loving, amazing little boy right here will. This little man who keeps me going and brings a smile to my face in the midst of tears. Who says exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. 

So tonight (and every night) hold your babies close, rock them to sleep when they ask, make time for that "one more book," and be there with them. So many people all over the world would give anything to be able to do those things with a baby and or child they lost. 

Remember....

"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss" "How are you holding up" "I can't imagine what you're going through" 

Those are just a few of the many conversation starters we hear lately. 

They come when I least expect, they sometimes follow with hard words to get out, sometime with smiles and laugh's. 

 But one thing they always come with is memories. Memories of the short but amazing couple weeks we had with our angel. Memories of her smiles, and smell. Memories of the first time she looked at us. So many memories that will never fade. Memories of life that left so quickly but never leaves us. 

Paisley-Ann taught us so much in just her short time. She brought so much joy, and added so much love to our family. 

Though my heart is still broken and will never be whole again I refuse to let the sadness bring me down. I refuse to live in the dark. I will celebrate because she lived, I will celebrate because though my heart is broken hers is whole again and even though it's not how I planned nor imagined it would be, my baby girl is whole again and pain free and that's all I could ever want for her. She is in glorious heaven, whole and pain free. 

The painful memories of her end on this earth will not be the memories we dwell on, will not be the memories that define us. She offered so much more than those painful memories. She gave us so many amazing memories and those will be what carry us through, those will be the memories we live on. 

We want to talk about her, we want you to talk about her. Hearing her name is so amazing especially out of the mouths of others. She will never leave us and it's a great feeling to know she is still with you as well. We love to tell others about her, to laugh as we tell a funny story of something she did or to try and explain her sassy little attitude. We want her to be remembered through those things. To be thought of in happy times and not sad. She wouldn't want us to be sad. 

So remember the great times, remember the funny things, remember the sassy attitude and most of all remember Paisley-Ann!