One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes.
The amount of time it has been since you were alive and breathing on this earth.
One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes.
The amount of time it has been since the last time I was whole.
One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes.
The amount of time it has been since I held you in my arms while I watched you wiggle your little nose and lips.
One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes.
The amount of time it has been since I held your warm hand in mine while we rocked all afternoon, napping and reading your princess books.
One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes.
The amount of time it has been since your heart stopped, and our world shattered.
TIME... It is all just TIME. 10:38 PM.... That TIME will forever be the TIME everything changed. Life as we knew it would NEVER be the same. Our hearts broke and hers became whole.
She went home, Paisley-Ann became FREE... FREE from the pain, the tubes, the wires, the needles. FREE... Paisley-Ann is FREE.
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GOOD.... The word that I had heard from the night nurse when I called at 9:15 PM to check in on her, the comforting word that I needed to hear to help me get Wyatt ready for bed and down. The word I needed to pull me through until I came back up to see her after he fell asleep. The same word we heard every time we called to check in on her when we were with Wyatt and not there with her.
Monday 1/18/16 was probably my hardest day since Paisley-Ann had been born. My depression was strong, I was walking under a cloud, I cried just about all day and I just could not shake any of it. So that night was no different. Every night we left to go spend some time with Wyatt before bed and put him down was always hard. My heart was being torn between two different places. Between my little love bug calling for mommy 10 minutes away in a hotel room, and the precious princess holding my finger while I sat bedside. Everyday, more than once, those two played tug-a-war with mommy and it didn't matter which way I went, my heart broke the other way. But that night... that moment something was different. Leaving her that night felt like pulling a tick off a dog. Steve had to grab my hand and take me out of there and I cried the entire way. Something inside me was stronger than ever before and I did not want to go. I think my body knew what was coming.
We were just sitting on the couch watching Wyatt fight his sleep, and talking about our plans for what was to come in the next few weeks. Not two minutes before I looked at Steve and said "I don't think I'm gonna wait for him to fall asleep before I go back up." Inside something just felt different that night.
10:29 PM.... TIME stopped.... My phone vibrated on the couch next to me and as I looked down the words "Paisley-Ann" came across the caller I.D. and my heart skipped a beat, something was wrong. As I stood and answered the phone I instantly started to loose my breath. I knew something was wrong. As the nurse on the line asked if this was Becky and I said yes I could hear something in her voice, something that my gut knew was not right. I instantly started waving my hands at Steve to get his shoes as the words "Paisley-Ann does not have a heart beat and we are doing CPR" came through the phone. My heart skipped a beat again, my head began to spin, I couldn't breath. I chocked out "we are on our way" I hung up trying to stand and catch my breath as I tried to say "She doesn't have a heart beat they're doing CPR" to Steve and my mom, I grabbed the first set of keys I could find and ran out the door...
PRAY.... "Lord please don't take my girl. Please let her be okay, please help her. Please don't take my girl" Just some of words I said through gut wrenching sobs and shakes as my husband so strong and brave took the wheel and started toward C.S. Mott's Children's Hospital.
10 Minutes... That is the TIME it takes to get 4.6 miles away from the hotel to the hospital thanks to the lovely traffic and college students.
The longest 10 minutes of my life.
The time traffic lights didn't matter as I yelled "I don't care it's red, it is clear JUST GO"
TIME... It is all just TIME. 10:38 PM.... That TIME will forever be the TIME everything changed. Life as we knew it would NEVER be the same. Our hearts broke and hers became whole.
She went home, Paisley-Ann became FREE... FREE from the pain, the tubes, the wires, the needles. FREE... Paisley-Ann is FREE.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOOD.... The word that I had heard from the night nurse when I called at 9:15 PM to check in on her, the comforting word that I needed to hear to help me get Wyatt ready for bed and down. The word I needed to pull me through until I came back up to see her after he fell asleep. The same word we heard every time we called to check in on her when we were with Wyatt and not there with her.
Monday 1/18/16 was probably my hardest day since Paisley-Ann had been born. My depression was strong, I was walking under a cloud, I cried just about all day and I just could not shake any of it. So that night was no different. Every night we left to go spend some time with Wyatt before bed and put him down was always hard. My heart was being torn between two different places. Between my little love bug calling for mommy 10 minutes away in a hotel room, and the precious princess holding my finger while I sat bedside. Everyday, more than once, those two played tug-a-war with mommy and it didn't matter which way I went, my heart broke the other way. But that night... that moment something was different. Leaving her that night felt like pulling a tick off a dog. Steve had to grab my hand and take me out of there and I cried the entire way. Something inside me was stronger than ever before and I did not want to go. I think my body knew what was coming.
We were just sitting on the couch watching Wyatt fight his sleep, and talking about our plans for what was to come in the next few weeks. Not two minutes before I looked at Steve and said "I don't think I'm gonna wait for him to fall asleep before I go back up." Inside something just felt different that night.
10:29 PM.... TIME stopped.... My phone vibrated on the couch next to me and as I looked down the words "Paisley-Ann" came across the caller I.D. and my heart skipped a beat, something was wrong. As I stood and answered the phone I instantly started to loose my breath. I knew something was wrong. As the nurse on the line asked if this was Becky and I said yes I could hear something in her voice, something that my gut knew was not right. I instantly started waving my hands at Steve to get his shoes as the words "Paisley-Ann does not have a heart beat and we are doing CPR" came through the phone. My heart skipped a beat again, my head began to spin, I couldn't breath. I chocked out "we are on our way" I hung up trying to stand and catch my breath as I tried to say "She doesn't have a heart beat they're doing CPR" to Steve and my mom, I grabbed the first set of keys I could find and ran out the door...
PRAY.... "Lord please don't take my girl. Please let her be okay, please help her. Please don't take my girl" Just some of words I said through gut wrenching sobs and shakes as my husband so strong and brave took the wheel and started toward C.S. Mott's Children's Hospital.
10 Minutes... That is the TIME it takes to get 4.6 miles away from the hotel to the hospital thanks to the lovely traffic and college students.
The longest 10 minutes of my life.
The time traffic lights didn't matter as I yelled "I don't care it's red, it is clear JUST GO"
PRAY... "Please don't take my girl"
GOOD... The word I kept hearing in my head that I had been told just a little over and hour before in reference to Paisley-Ann.
PRAY.. "Lord what are you doing, please"
I can go back to that moment like the back of my hand. I looked up, saw the sky, and I heard the words "She's home." I felt a breath, I saw clear.
I told myself she was fine, but deep down. I knew. I just knew.
(We left the hotel at 10:30, it takes 10 minutes to drive, and where this happened was about 2 minutes from the hospital.... making it 10:38, I am almost positive this was not a coincidence.)
As we pulled up I told Steve leave the car, before it could stop I jumped out and ran to the elevators....
PRAY... "Please lord, be with my girl, please help her, please let her be okay."
10 floors, 10 floors up is all it took on the elevator but that night it felt like I had to go up 100.
Security Desk- Phelps- Bed 40- They just called I need to get back there, I left my badge I need to go to bed 40. She told me to breath as she picked up the phone that never made me wanna break through the doors more than ever before. As she called back I saw our name on a post it...
PHELPS. My heart stopped. Why is my name on that post it. Why is no one answering, LET ME THROUGH.
"Someone will be right out to see you"
My heart stopped again, we waited at the double doors, waiting for someone to run around the corner the way we had ran up there. Why was no one running down to get us, why couldn't I just go back. "Maybe they're taking her to surgery" I played in my head even though my heart knew the truth.
As 2 doctors and 2 nurse practitioners who we had grown to know over these last few weeks rounded the corner I could read their faces. Their blank and saddened faces. We went through the doors and heard "Lets go sit down"
As I stopped and said "Is my daughter okay?" The words "As you know her heart....." "WAIT, is she dead?" the words I chocked out as I felt my knee's giving out and my heart starting to break. "We tried everything...." "So she's dead, is she in her bed, I wanna go to her"
As we started down the long empty hallway we had walked so many times before, I couldn't breath, I held the wall, gut wrenching cries came again.
PRAY... "Lord WHY, NOT my Paisley-Ann. WHY, Lord give me strength.
I pushed off that wall and knew I was not walking alone, I knew I wasn't carrying myself down that hall.
I rounded the corner and saw her bed, people all around, silence everywhere, then they moved... There she was, there was my girl. My sweet, beautiful, precious baby girl laying there. Lifeless, no I.V's or wires anywhere. I picked her lifeless body up into my trembling arms and sobs... Gut wrenching sobs poured out... As I rocked her and held her close to me my heart completely broke, my world shattered, the life I had known was gone. The dreams and plans that I had for her were running away.
HOW.... How could this be, she was JUST here. I had just held her in this bay a couple hours before and she was perfectly fine. She had one of her best days that she had ever had.
GONE... She was gone. Only her body swayed in my arms.
WHOLE... She was now WHOLE, and I was breaking.
As sobs came out nothing made sense. As I sat there Steve holding us both as I rocked her I couldn't think, I couldn't breath. HOW, WHY, NO this can't be happening.
GOOD... The word kept coming back to me that I just been told not long before.
FAITH.. I am here, and I have you... What I knew I felt when NOTHING could comfort me.
"God didn't bring me this far to leave me." Philippians 1:6
As I carried my baby girl out of 10W-40 gut wrenching sobs came back. As my mind played this is not how I should be carrying her out of here, this is not how it was suppose to go.
FAITH.. What carried me as I walked to a private room with my lifeless baby girl.
As the night grew on, as I met my son in the hallway to explain why he came back up to the hospital tonight, as I watched everyone including myself sob, and rock our precious girl. As I watched Wyatt finally hold the sissy he had asked everyday to hold, the sissy he practiced for 9 months on how to hold and rock, the sissy he would never get to play with, and teach her all things he wanted to. As I watched my family hold my baby girl that I had brought into this world just 12 short days before, my heart continued to break, my head continued to spin. This is not how they were suppose to be holding her. This is not how this was suppose to happen. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, it wasn't really happening, this was a dream and we would wake up.
PRAY... Lord why, she's our girl, why. You have to pull us through this because we can't do it alone.
"Be courageous. Do not fear, for it is the lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
STRENGTH.... What god gave me as 8 hours had flown by and it came time to sign Paisley-Ann's death papers.
STRENGTH.... What god gave me as 8 hours had flown by and it came time to sign Paisley-Ann's death papers.
STRENGTH... What he gave me as I laid my baby girl down and said goodbye in that hospital for the last time.
STRENGTH... What helped me walk back down that hallway, out the doors and into the car.
FAITH, STRENGTH, LOVE, CHRIST... What continues, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day to pull me through. To help keep me going. To help me know that Paisley-Ann is okay, that his plan is what is best and what matters. That he will always be here to pull us through, give us strength and that he is keeping her safe for us until we can see them both face to face one day.
TIME... One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes.
Time is nothing in heaven. Time doesn't pass, nor change. Paisley-Ann tells no time of our separation. She is enjoying the beauty, the angels singing, the joys of Christ and heaven.
TIME... It is all just time.... We cannot get it back and we cannot change it.
TIME... May lessen the pain one day, but until that may happen we will continue to hang onto Christ as he will help get us through this TIME .
As TIME grows farther and farther away from 1/18/16 at 10:38 PM the pain is the same. Even though One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes has passed it feels as though it was just yesterday when on the other hand it feels as though its been a lifetime.
TIME stopped that night, and in someways has never started back up. I will forever be stuck in 10:38 on January 18,2016. Stuck in the TIME Paisley-Ann's heart stopped and mine continued to beat.
THANKFUL... I am forever thankful for God blessing us with her. Though she was only here for a short period of time, that time was ours, and she is ours.
THANKFUL... I am thankful for the amazing nurses, and doctors who cared for our girl, and for the life they helped her have so we could love and enjoy her for every minute of it.
THANKFUL.... I am forever thankful for God's unveiling love and the sacrifice he gave of his son so that one day we will be pain free and back together whole as a family.
"God is love..." 1 John 4:8
One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes until the last time you were here..... Paisley-Ann is gone. But she will forever be right here..... <3
One Month... 30 Days... 43,200 minutes until the last time you were here..... Paisley-Ann is gone. But she will forever be right here..... <3
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