Though we were never able to bring our precious girl home she is still here, she is everywhere we go, she is in everything I do. I cannot physically carry the baby I grew for 9 months, delivered, fell in love with and watched fight for 12 days but I carry her with me everywhere.
We did not get to see our picture perfect ride home as a family, I won't get to see my babies playing together on the floor and growing up together.
Last week I put my little girl in her going home outfit for a different kind of ride home. I put the perfect bow on her head that matched her perfect outfit and blanket. But what I did not do was strap her into her car seat and head down I94 with my newly grown little family. No, not that. Instead I left the body of my baby with the arms of a nurse. I packed our things, and came home what felt empty handed. I walked into a house we spent months preparing to add a little girl to, and saw pink clothes, blankets, swings, and beds everywhere just waiting for her to use. I watched my son look around a his home that felt so strange because he had been gone for a couple weeks. I explained more than one time that sissy couldn't come home because sissy is now with Jesus and I watched the wheels turn in his head as he continued to try to understand and in some ways still does today. I went to town and picked out the perfect dress, not for Easter Sunday like I had imagined, not the white dress for her wedding, no not a formal prom dress.... None of those. I picked out the dress I would lay my newborn baby to rest in. The dress her body would forever wear because I wouldn't be able to dress my girl again.
So where does this leave the Phelps family? Where are we after loosing our girl just 10 short days ago....
We are taking one day at a time. We are waking up and taking it hour by hour. We are still trying to understand and make sense of something that still doesn't seem like it can be real. I am trying to work through the emotions of all these things, trying to figure out when I am ready to pack her things away. I know she she will never use them but I am also not ready to face them in boxes knowing she won't use them. Not ready to pack away things I spent endless hours cleaning, washing, sorting, and putting together.
I know my baby is never coming back but I am far from ready to face that 100%, I am not ready to put these things into boxes and never see my girl in them..
They say everyone grieves differently but I believe the grief of loosing a child never goes away especially for a mother. She will forever be here, the pain will never go away.
Please stay with us and keep us all in your prayers as we try to handle all these emotions and try to start again as we no so longer have our beautiful and precious Paisley-Ann Faith <3.
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